My Perimenopausal Script

June 8, 11:56 AM:

The dancer in me, when she comes alive, I’ve been making an effort to be present and get to know. She sometimes leaves me stranded, so it feels, and meanwhile, this time while I am dancing and vibrating the energy, frequency, vibration, and whole entire being needed to be the dancer that lives free and embodies every beat. She that I am and yet hides still from this world freezes up the moment any thought creeps in that someone else may be watching, stopping dead in my tracks upon a thought of that in the public eye. Unless intoxicated or high, when all inhibitions are set free, aligning with the sobriety to then drink responsibly after much time needed away, removed from the behavioral pattern and conditioning that lives within I too. Making her essence valued for the wisdom it brought but also relinquished from needing to ever operate the vehicle that is I, that surrenders to the call of accountability and presence. Ay yay yay, welcome to the hive, deep as we go. Call me Alice, replace the C with a V, and we are one in the same, multifaceted being awakened to every sense and sensibility existing in and within every multidimensional feeling/feeding realm of existence. Tapped in, turned on, and tuned in. Welcome to why I am peculiar about the company I keep. This isn’t for the meek. What does that even mean? And yet I allow it anyways. Free flow fantastic and will dissect it purposefully lit with divine inspiration, which creates every commotion of explosive motivation showing up for me. As always, forever. Wordsmith forever.

It’s either you get it, or you don’t, and most won’t, and those that do will simply be missing something from it too, making this timeless and infinitely evolutionary every single time you wish to dissect the words I depict to reflect with run-on sentences in every page because I light the sage that is the wave untamed. I’ve awakened into a realm that now gives no one excuses anymore as to why they can’t do something they love and desire to do. Like there is so much room for growth everywhere, but first, let’s remove the rose-colored spectacles and spectacles you shall see. And once seen, proceed with care and carefully too. The future is on you. Going back to that dancer that lives within me who is still shackled in some kind of way. But as inhibitions become undone and consciousness seeps within and seeks to innerstand, the understand will overfloweth. Whose fault is it when your shit doesn’t get done? The world’s or your own? Exactly what I am talking about. This shit here is deep, and if you come not knowing how to swim or stand on your own two feet and think overly critical, then all of this will fly over your head. Kabeesh.

I blamed my fallback in writing that soured its progress with traumatic nonsense. I blamed that painful occurrence as to why I didn’t write as much. In acknowledging, I found my peace and surrender and new life reborn to rekindle the passion that is within the she that is I who sits dormant within torment time and time again because she refuses to make friends with the residences within her own resonance, and that is straight buck wild living. We all commit treason time and time again within ourselves. Honesty with presence is the elixir of that fixer that at one conscious point in their lives realize that we choose to be the way we are no matter what has happened to us or happens to us or is what it is—because it is what it is. If you’re mean and that’s just part of your attitude—then you are mean. Point blank periodt, the same when you’re sarcastic as can be—it is what it is and we are what we are, especially if we think too for ourselves. Life happens to you when it is showing you what you’re doing and allowing for yourself. Wakey wakey.

Anyhoo, the dancer in me—it took a lit moment to discover the dark root within my own pollute, who is still there and will forever be there. But how can we remove her toxicities from the operating table? Consciousness and presence being deliberate to transform with successful solutions that evolutionize everything! I got sober because it was time, and the paranoia within me, that she is real too, doesn’t trust resources enough anymore to allow for responsible partying while navigating a healthy system—it became a double-edged sword! Plus, I was metamorphosing death and loss in my life. I wanted to self-torture some more and fast what I needed to fast as part of this sacrifice, and that’s when empowerment kicked in and my dependent nature on substance came forward and I got to meet her too. Enlightenment is always a path to skip merrily along on, even while hysterically crying with every shredded piece of your heart crumpled back together in no particular order but faithful enough to believe that there is a reason for all of this and a good one too. And so the most faithful disciple discipling, I shall forever be a student of life within Christ, the metaphor I adore, its figuratively literal in every sense of the bible that man created to educate us on parables and writers scripting genius. We are all channelers within this effect of spectrum. DL—what is DL? Back in the day, it meant on the down low where not everybody gets the access to know or be in the know because it’s none of your business, just like that, and so now you know. Everything juiced up through the grapevine like genuine leather that slaughtered its way to the top, rocking it like it’s hot. I think not—my baby animals should never have to suffer. That’s why they send some humans undercover from their own identities. Truman Show type of dynamics, it’s very anticlimactic and dramatic.

Will I ever just get to the point about the dancer in me that lives to be freed? Anyone not willing to go through the trenches to bask in the freedom once freed does not have the privilege of seeing its beauty or knowing its taste, and that’s not up for debate. So many are late—even me. I sometimes go back to sleep and take many, many naps because naps are needed for people like us who are here reading every align of alchemist seeds breeding within this innergy of energy. Blast off, we are ready. But seriously, to go sober and then to consciously take note of effects in a lab work-style environment, to have presence in this ignited environment, much can be learned from here. What does this all mean? Whatever it means to you, for you.

The dancer in me was present during my most recent dancing episode, and her thoughts came into full view. I was able to note her concern if people outside her window at home could see in as she moved beautifully and divinely to the music playing in her kitchen. And the presence within, I noted the insecurity that even while present, still can exist. And here is where she met with mind, body, heart, and soul (breath work) because that too is what is happening as my body flows in full ignite to every beat pulsating and consciously stretching and activating my body all at the same time. The tightening of the muscles and energy that all this movement was indeed creating, and how in sync was my body to every pulse, rhythm, and beat, the synergy intense and soul alive. Feeling good as all these templates of existence within my existence were commingling in full cooperation, filled with animalistic exotic intimacy that is primal. And for the first time, I was intentionally within, moving slow to get to know this dancer who lives within me. Beautiful, my imagination of she resides, and the human clouded with judgment questioning the image I was portraying the dancer to be. But then a check-in with reality when I look at myself in the mirror, and I was like, holy shit, let’s fix this perception that should not be there. That perception of myself should not be there. Awareness is key. Presence is necessary in order to receive this key. Know what I mean, jellybeans? This shit is deep. Waking up to write is life. The dance inspired the writer to come out and need to say… In my presence, I am meeting the writer too. All parts of myself existing as one. I think that’s what is happening here. All parts of self meeting with self being present within presence with self. And now, that was the mastery of eating some of Eminem’s Houdini—inspiring rEVOLUTIONARY transformation that creates ectoplasm so thick it sticks. Instant clicks.

My Musical soundtrack 

NO NAME 

NF 

June 8, 9:59 PM:

There’s always that one mirror in your house that feeds you that delusion you desire to see in yourself, and so you convince yourself you look good, meanwhile the monster that lives inside of you telling you you’re a hot mess… own that too.