My Perimenopausal Script

June 14, 9:41 PM:

After activating in my shower, I also would like to add that I feel like a potato—a potato with arms and legs, sort of like Humpty Dumpty, and I don’t want to feel like that. Activating in the shower was helpful in releasing some things that I feel, and in all my celibacy/abstinence, I feel rushed now as if finding a true partner to procreate with the right way this time around. I feel like, how can this be now? I believe in friendship first, and that takes time. And loosely, I do not give of myself to just anybody. Plus, after all these years of celibacy/abstinence, whenever I do start making love, I want to enjoy that time without procreating right away. Like, can I enjoy myself please? Pretty please? So now what? People say, put yourself out there. Hello… psychic means sensitive. Out there is crazy while I am just in-Sane.

“Insane in the Membrane”—do you know that song? That’s how old I am. Lol, not the song’s age, but the time period age. Well, I don’t know when that song was aired, but I’m old enough to have heard it in play.

The child in me plans to starve herself now till she is 30 lbs lighter. The adult in me rolls her eyes, and the perimenopausal woman that sits here naked looking for her brush wants to believe that I have the power to empower transformation and change. The loser in me already feels defeated, but the winner in me would never give up, even if I just get fat. But I don’t want to be unhealthy nor fat, which is unhealthy. I don’t have the same metabolism as I did in my 20s, but the ignorant part of myself believes that I actually do have the power to command my vessel to god dammit work! Work the way it is supposed to in the most healthy way without thought. I know I am being dramatic, but this is how I feel, and I don’t care how it sounds. This is me letting the brat out.

Would you believe I read about laser liposuction today and contemplated it? What is wrong with me? Or what is right with me? That is the better question.

anyhoo, I need to get ready.

till next time

🤍

My musical playlist:
Water Drums by Union Jack